Square One & Rock Bottom – 08.21.2015

Despite many grand efforts, I have difficulty getting beyond square one. And although I can clearly see beautiful castles in the sky, I tend to dwell somewhere close to rock bottom.

I’m not overly picky or lacking in common sense, so how is it I took so many wrong turns in life, dwelling at rock bottom? Or how did I unconsciously convince myself I wasn’t truly deserving of castles and happiness? And when did the emptiness in square one become my constant and eternal starting point for my entire life?

In June (2015), the first domino tipped in my extremely wobbly game of setting up for the grand fall:

I turned 41 – which reminded me life is passing by so quickly.

A week later, my kitty of over 15 years passed away – which reminded me how painfully empty and alone my life (and home) had become.

The feelings of complete loneliness – reminded me I was now in my 40’s and still discouragingly single.

Being single in my mid-life years – reminded me that having children was likely becoming something I would never be blessed enough to experience.

Not having a family of my own sent my thoughts immediately to my mom and dad – which reminded me that eventually my parents would be gone and I’d truly have no one to turn to.

Thinking of having no one directed my attention towards my friendships – which reminded me how I was now the outsider in a tribe of happy couples/families living lives that rarely included me (which is normal and to be expected).

Now that my friends were no longer interested in the single scene, I succumbed to online dating – which reminded me that a huge chunk of monogamous-seeking men my age prefer a younger (child bearing) woman to make them happy. The remaining are eager to find happiness in open relationships, something that would not bring me happiness.

Pondering the different ways people fill the holes in their lives to feel happy – reminded me how I had become addicted to energy drinks (caffeine), refined sugars and breads/pastas to make me feel something that resembled happiness from within.

Realizing addictions weren’t healthy, I cut the above foods out of my diet – which reminded me my natural or “healthy” state was actually severely anxious and tired.

Because of chest aching anxiousness and exhaustion to the point I didn’t want to get out of bed, I went to the doctor – which informed me I was actually severely depressed. So much so, the doctor was visibly concerned for my life.

The doctor being so genuinely concerned for my well-being made me compare my life to the lives of other people in this world – which reminded me my life is wonderful compared to what other people are going through, and that made me extremely angry with myself for being so weak.

Being angry at my own weakness made me take a long look at myself in the mirror – which reminded me I was overweight, physically uncared for, stuck in a rut at my job, a coward as a writer, murderer of my dreams and prisoner of a broken heart.

I was a failure – which reminded me I was little more than a wasted life.

So I’m back. I’m at rock bottom. I’m still standing in square one. And if you are standing at the bottom of this pit in a quadrilateral with me, I say we do something about it. What do you say? Are you with me? Are you in? Are you, my online friend, ready to get out of your own way so you can be reminded why you were destined for castles instead of caves?

About Author: Marilyn Hepburn

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