In Search Of Beautiful

The Journal of a Woman on a Road Trip in Search of Self-Love


When depression and low self-esteem hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew it was time to hit the road and find some answers.

Read my daily updates as I dig deep to uncover my best self. In Search of Beautifulfree only on Wattpad.

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The following is the first entry in Marilyn’s journal:

You, the reader, shall go on an adventure with me this summer and mold my next story. How? Why? Where? What the–?

My Ah-Ha Moment

Does the world inspire fictional stories or do fictional stories inspire the world? Is my reality reflected in the fiction I create, or are my written creations a reflection of the fiction I claim as my reality? These became difficult questions for me to answer as I wrapped up the first draft of my Watty winning story, NURSE McSEXY–a story about perceiving life from a position of gratitude and unwavering trust in unknown possibilities.

Initially, my view of life shifted after writing NURSE McSEXY, and I was inspired to create the following video. It explains why hurtful and disappointing relationships are a crucial element in the achievement of our dreams:

So now that a month has passed, what happened to my positive shift in the right direction? Why am I still unhappy with the woman I see in the mirror? Didn’t the NURSE McSEXY story illustrate the control I have over the images I see around me (Law of Mirrors)?

And how come romance is always the fictional part of my stories instead of the factual part? Four decades in a pool of billions, and there’s not one sweet bungalow for me out there that feels like home?

And why does my condo look like a smelly-ass dumpster the night before garbage pick-up day? I thought I understood my outer environment reflects and influences the health of my inner being.

What happened to me? Maybe a lifetime of self-inflicted mental abuse can’t be erased simply because the words The End are typed on the last page of a written creation, no matter how inspirational.

Could it be? Does this mean the story that started with NURSE McSEXY isn’t finished after all?

Damn it all to hell! Sequels suck!

That being said, I refuse to start another story with a hot mess of a character in an oversized sweatshirt and a ratty knot of hair on her head. I can’t! I won’t! Both NACHOS and NURSE McSEXY started out that way. I refuse to be a writer stuck in a never-ending cycle sharing tales about conquering self-hate! It makes me sound like a damn hypocrite–one who doesn’t apply the wisdom of her stories to her own life. For fuck’s sake, Marilyn–Don’t see the reflection, BE the reflection.

That being said–

It would be impossible for me to write a character from a different starting position if I, myself, am unable to understand what it feels like to live a life semi-free of negative inner dialog. This got me thinking–

What would my story be like if battling myself wasn’t the focus?

What if my internal and external environments were tidied up? Would life look differently without the distraction of physical and mental clutter? Would this cause me to radiate a different vibe into the world resulting in different life experiences?

What would happen if I fell in love with myself (in a healthy and non-narcissistic way, of course)? Would a screen be lifted allowing others to see a different me? Would loving myself show others I’m a person they could fall in love with, too?

What if I stepped outside my comfort zones? Would a world of unknown possibilities open up to me? Would the magic of luck and coincidence be able to find me more easily?

That video, I shout inside my mind, referring to the video I shared at the beginning of this chapter. I could find my beautiful on a road trip! It’s perfect! A road trip could be the ‘based on actual events’ part of my next story called–I don’t know–FINDING FIREFLY?


Need Your Help

Push me out of my comfort zones and alter the course of FINDING FIREFLY’s based on actual events story. How?

I’m taking a 4,300+ mile road trip this summer by myself to research ideas for this new book. It will include destinations like Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Hollywood, Grand Canyon, Death Valley, San Diego and other places readers suggest. Yes–that’s right! Your suggestions may alter the actual course of my trip. I’ll post a list of stops in the next chapter so you can start making recommendations of things I should do/taste/feel/hear/touch/smell/experience.

Each day I’ll post a simple recap of the day’s adventures and highlights (pictures and videos included). These will be short recaps. The whole point of this trip to is to be in the moment, absorbing the world around me–not stressing out about composing eloquent and lengthy chapters.

I’ll also be posting my experiences on social media. I’ve never used Facebook Live before, so this could get interesting (or ugly)!

Your job is to remind me I’m NOT on this trip to fight with my inner demons–I’m here to understand what a character in control of her inner demons would feel like. This doesn’t mean a character in control of her inner voices will never feel the presence of darkness, it just means she’s more likely to push through the barricades of negativity. YOU will help push me through those negative barricades so I can understand the mind of FINDING FIREFLY’s character.

It may sound something like this–

Reader: “I don’t care if it’s been years since you’ve put on a bathing suit, Marilyn. Put it on right now and get your ass down to the pool!” Or–

Reader: “Go get the Red Bucket of Beauty (yes–there will actually be a red bucket with beauty supplies in it). This is Vegas, girl! You’re going out on the town whether you like it or not!” Or–

Reader: “I’m not going to believe you actually went to Hollywood if you don’t post a picture of yourself next to Grumpy Cat’s star on the walk of fame.” You get the idea.

My theory:
If I can push myself out of my comfort zones, it will be reflected in the authentic and relatable feel of my next book. Even the fictional aspects woven through the truthful parts will come from a place of better understanding. And who knows? Maybe if I put myself out there a little bit more, the romantic parts of the story might not have to be fiction.

About Author: Marilyn Hepburn

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